Choose Yourself

A breakup, no matter how difficult or insignificant the relationship seemed, always has the potential to be deeply painful. I hadn’t gone through one in a long time, so I had forgotten just how much it could shake you. I think we all do. And when it happens, we convince ourselves that this one hurt more than any before—simply because it’s the most recent.

We tend to believe our emotions in the moment define our entire reality. But they don’t. The pain feels bigger now only because past hurts have faded into the background. This is something we all experience.

Most of us aren’t in constant touch with our emotions. Looking inward doesn’t come naturally. When intense feelings arise, we don’t always pause to understand them. Instead, we get swept away, reinforcing the belief that whatever we’re feeling in the moment must be the truth. And while it’s important to allow emotions to surface, it’s just as important to recognize that staying in them for too long can keep us stuck.

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle describes something called the pain-body—a buildup of unresolved emotions, past traumas, and suppressed pain that lives within us. Over time, this pain becomes an energy of its own, pulling us into familiar cycles of suffering. Without realizing it, we carry the weight of old wounds, allowing them to shape our reactions and choices.

For example, if you’ve been deeply hurt by rejection before, even the smallest hint of it in the present can bring up overwhelming emotions—ones that have little to do with the current situation and everything to do with your past.

According to Tolle, the only way to free ourselves from this cycle is through awareness—recognizing the pain-body and observing it. The more we acknowledge it, the less power it has over us. It thrives on low-frequency emotions like sadness, anger, and resentment. The longer we stay in those states, the more we feed it.

We’ve all had moments where we just want to stay in sadness—crying, sinking deeper, refusing to move on. But here’s the thing: we don’t consciously choose to stay there. It’s unconscious. The pain-body keeps us trapped, and our ego resists facing the weight of everything we’ve suppressed. Instead of acknowledging it, we fight it. And the more we fight, the more exhausted we become.

But what most of us don’t realize is that fighting an emotion is as pointless as trying to stop the tide from coming in. It doesn’t work. A thought or feeling only loses its grip on us when we allow it to exist—without judgment, without resistance.

Yet, we tend to do the opposite. We believe that if we resist it hard enough, it will go away. But that’s a lie. You don’t heal by fighting your emotions. And you don’t heal by running from them either. The key is to allow—and to wait.

It’s been a week since my breakup, and for the past seven days, I’ve done everything I can to numb myself. I know I’ve been running. And while I understand the importance of facing emotions consciously, I also believe in giving yourself grace. Sometimes, you need to do whatever helps you get through the moment. And that’s okay.

But there comes a time when you must recognize that it’s time to move forward. The danger isn’t in feeling your emotions—it’s in refusing to let them pass.

Yesterday was my turning point. It felt like life was offering me a choice: I could stay in this pain, or I could reach for something better. I chose awareness.

And the moment I did, I realized something: I wasn’t just mourning the loss of a relationship. I was grieving.

For the first time, I sat with myself—no distractions, no venting, no blaming, no trying to make sense of someone else’s actions. Just me. Alone. For two and a half hours.

Of course, the emotions came. I cried. I missed him. But this time, instead of trying to push the feelings away, I told myself: Wait. Let yourself feel it. Don’t run.

And when I did, I felt something shift.

For me, writing has always been a way to process things. So, I wrote. And when I did, I saw something clearly for the first time—I had spent the entire breakup focusing on him. What he did. What he said. How he hurt me.

But that was never the point.

The point is me. The point is always us.

My first real moment of clarity came when I realized that I wasn’t just feeling breakup pain. I was grieving the version of me that existed in that relationship. I was grieving the expectations I had, the future I imagined, the parts of myself I had poured into someone else.

And the moment I stopped lying to myself, I saw exactly where I stood.

And honestly? I realized that sometimes, I was crying simply out of habit.

Staying connected to your emotions is important. But blindly accepting them as your absolute reality—without questioning them—is one of the biggest ways we trap ourselves. But making this process easier is so simple: express them.

What he wanted never mattered. What matters is what my thoughts and emotions mean to me.

Stay awake. Be aware. Allow. And don’t deceive yourself.

When your ego is bruised, don’t try to feel better by fighting what hurt you. Because in that battle, you will always be the only one who loses.

Accept. And once you do, you’ll see how quickly the war ends, how fast the white flag is raised, and how peace finally settles in.

Always choose yourself. Because no one else will choose you for you.

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