I Survived

Author’s note:

I wrote this poem a while ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to publish it. Not the way I wrote it.

It comes from a fragmented period of my life when my health worsened.

A time I did not feel whole, and did not know if I ever would.
A time when life itself felt incomplete.

That is the only way it could exist.

I
pushed
the memory
of it
far
out of reach

Days
that did not feel
light
like the feather
Ra weighed
against
the heart

Sunrise
arrived
at dawn

endings
became
my story

A knot
tied
itself
around
my chest

preventing
air
from reaching
my lungs

I
was
the shame

waking up
each day

wishing
I was
someone
else

I did
not
want to die

yet
I was far
from being
alive

The only cure
I could
find

was

to search
for ways
to erase
myself

Loss
stretched
further

I was
forced

to sit

in the
shower

I looked
up
at the sky

and saw
my
future

no moons
no stars

only
darkness

I kept
the curtains
closed

People
smiled
I
smiled
too

A smile
that did
not
reach
my eyes

even
when I ate
watermelon

My curse
is
on hold

I
transferred it
to
voicemail

She
will
not
be there

when
it arrives

She
died

I
survived

The cursor
blinked

and
I
began
to type